On this week’s episode of “Paranormal Witness” … After Bill Vaile has finished work for the day, he receives a request to make one more stop before the end of the day. Upon arrival, unbeknownst to him, he walks into the middle of an exorcism and backs out quickly. He gets home and the fun begins. It doesn’t take long to figure out he picked up a few visitors at his last stop.
Something is in the house. He thinks an animal must have gotten in, but finds nothing. He’s in bed and feels it run across the bed. He looks and can’t find it and falls back to sleep when suddenly, the bed starts pitching back and forth like a ride at Disneyland. He can’t even move the bed frame, it’s so heavy, so he thinks it’s an earthquake, a sonic boom, or a drilling operation, but no, it’s none of those, Mr. “I don’t believe in this stuff.”
Folks, when you come upon an exorcism or anything you deem demonic, don’t run away and jump in your car. You’ll be supporting new boarders from beyond that you don’t want.
I don’t care what your religion or belief system is — immediately become Pope Pius Jim Bob and pray to Jesus like you mean it. Say some Hail Mary’s on your keychain, and tell them they may not follow you; they are to remain where they are, in Jesus’ name.
Then stop at a store before you get home, buy some salt, and surround your home — or if you’re in an apartment, a line of salt at all openings into your abode — and do the Jesus thing again and a prayer for protection. I’d remain Roman Catholic for a few more days just to be sure. Not only do you get a recap this week, but important “in case of demon, break glass” lifesaving tips.
Back at the ranch, the Internet goes down, so Bill calls tech support. While on the line, Satan’s voice comes through. As you can imagine, Bill can no longer sleep and is just sitting up wide-eyed in bed when he feels something under the covers, and what feels like a hand grabs his ankle. Yikes. I’ve lived in haunted houses, but this is ridiculous. It doesn’t get any better as the episode progresses.
There are these small animal-like things running around his house. Remember “Gremlins”? He invites his brother and sister-in-law over one night and they see these things too. Well, thanks for the nice evening, but we really have to go. I think we left the stove on at home. I don’t know how you leave a guy in a house with Satan and his spawn.
Apparently, Satan likes speaking through the answering machines and tape recorders, because when the cavalry comes to investigate, they get all kinds of strange voices. Everyone gets to experience these escapees from a horror movie, but no one can do anything to stop them.
Bill confides that he’s had three exorcisms which have done absolutely nothing. Why doesn’t he move? He can’t bare the thought of a family moving into that nightmare. You know, Bill, lightening can be a wonderful thing.