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New Girl, Virgins: Max Greenfield

SPOILER ALERT – If you haven’t watched the episode yet, you have my permission to step away from the computer and watch the episode RIGHT NOW. Then come back and comment, comment, comment!!

New Girl: Virgins

In this week’s episode of “New Girl,” aptly titled “Virgins,”, the gang relate how they each lost their virginity.

Schmidt is planning on having sex with Elizabeth (his first long-term girlfriend who we were introduced to in “Bachelorette Party”) for the first time as Thin Schmidt and wants all the help he can get. He enters the bathroom to grab “The Archduke” – a super intense German personal power massager that takes 16 AA batteries! Jess and Cece are already in there, having a Nair grooming session, when Jess’ text message bing-bongs on her phone. When Schmidt reads out the instant message from “Ted” on her phone (Jess’ hands are covered with Nair-like goop), we learn that Ted was the first guy Jess ever slept with.

Claiming she has the worst “How I lost my virginity” story, the group puts it to the test as they regale their own tales of woo.

At some point in their late teens, Nick and Winston accompany Nick’s dad on a business trip to New York. Instead of taking the opportunity to explore the city, Nick and Winston stay in the hotel room to watch “Titanic” and “other pay-per-view films” (wink, wink) available via hotel cable.

Nick’s dad remedies this by bringing two prostitutes back to the room as gifts for the two guys. Winston believes Octopussy and Mysteria to be businesswomen, but Nick knows better. Winston loses his virginity to Mysteria, while Nick finds solace in a bottle of vodka and never does the deed. Nick’s dad swears Nick to secrecy, the truth only to be told after he is dead. Well, Nick lets the cat out of the bag, and Winston still can’t believe Mysteria was a hooker.

New Girl, Virgins: Max Greenfield
Max Greenfield in “New Girl: Virgins”

Schmidt regales his tale as he recounts his first time. It was as Fat Schmidt and it was with Elizabeth. It involved a ridiculously large jar of lubricant, the top bunk, and Nick flying high on ‘shrooms in preparation for a Dave Matthews concert. Nick can’t leave the room because he’s hallucinating that his arm was a magnet and it was stuck to the wall, so he has to endure Schmidt’s attempt at lovemaking on the top bunk with Elizabeth, but with all the lube, Schmidt slip-slides oh-so-ungracefully off the top bunk and onto Nick, who has demagnetized himself and is trying to crawl away.  These two are great at the physical comedy, and I love watching them.

Who has the worst story? Cece tells her tale where she loses hers … to Mick Jagger.  She knows it’s not the worst, but she’s telling it anyway!

Jess recalls the time when Cece and she went to a bar when she first arrived in town, but neither can remember what bar it was. As we watch the flashback, we see it’s the same bar where Nick now works. They eye three guys sitting in a booth, and it’s none other than our three but in their former glory as Fat Schmidt, Stoner, and well, Winston with a ‘fro. Fat Schmidt tries to hit on Cece but fails miserably — not because she shot him down, but because he just doesn’t have any game at that point in life.

Taking the long route, Jess finally tells her story and who Teddy is (of the three guys in her story).  Turns out Teddy was a fireman who saved her and things just happened.  As she is telling this, we can see Nick is contemplating something heavy and serious.  As the storytelling ends and everyone leaves to meet up with their significant others, Winston is still questioning if Mysteria was really a hooker. Nick stops Jess and asks if Teddy was the kind of fireman who hangs out with the dog during fires. “No, he was a straight up fireman,” Jess says. Teddy bing-bongs her phone again and Jess looks at Nick. “Should I?” Before he can answers, she leaves and heads for the elevator.

Once in the elevator, Jess presses the button for the ground floor. The doors start to close, but Nick puts his hand to block it. Without a word and to her slight gasp of surprise, Nick sweeps Jess off her feet, literally, in one fluid romance-novel-worthy moment and says, “Let’s not think about it.”

Who knew Nick was so strong? He takes her back to his room, they both look at his bed and at each other, a hint of smile breaks, and they kiss, followed by the two FINALLY making sweet, sweet love.

In my personal version of this scenario, the hero in my story would have a hell of a time picking up my plus-size body, to much comedic effect. It would not be in one fluid motion and would probably end up with a back thrown out and lots of egos bruised!

Did I mention I’m in love with Nick Miller/Jake Johnson? Am I that obvious?

Nick and Jess Shippers can rejoice! This episode is for you!

Winston is over at Daisy’s. She has three hours before she needs to get to the airport, and he can’t work his magic under that pressure. She tells him to turn on the TV for a distraction. “Titanic” is on (just like when he was with Mysteria), and his game is back on.

Over at Elizabeth’s, she and Schmidt are making out when she asks what’s in the box marked “The Archduke.” Schmidt tells her, but he also says he figures they don’t even need it. But once Elizabeth knows what it is – “Well, since you came all the way over with it…”

He looks at the box and then at her and says, “You have to take the batteries out of the smoke detector,” before he grabs the box.

The episode ends with Nick and Jess, both in awe and smiling that knowing smile of satisfaction as they bask in the glow of their post-coital bliss. They turn to look at each other, smiling, and start to laugh. The last thing you hear is Jess saying, “Rut ro!”

The only couple that didn’t make love, oddly enough, were the two people that are about to walk down the aisle in a few days – Cece and Shivrang. He looked a little put off that she didn’t want to just yet, and I’m not even sure what she was thinking.

What will be the aftermath? Will Nick and Jess try to keep it a secret from Schmidt and Winston? Probably, but how long will that last?

There’s one more episode left before the season finale (which will revolve around Cece and Shivrang’s wedding). I already can’t wait for Season 3 to start!

What did you think of this episode? Leave thoughts below.

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