X-MEN: THE LAST STAND

by Jane Louise Boursaw

Should you bring the kids? Hmmm, let's see…stabbing, slicing, crushing, freezing, incinerating, syringe-throwing, implied sex, naked mutant women…nah, I don't think this one's for the kids. For more info, see "Bringing the Kids" below.

THE STORY: Mutants rock! Ok, maybe not as much as the first two movies, but they're still pretty awesome in this third installment of the X-Men trilogy. Based on the Marvel comic series, it tells the story of a group of mutant heroes determined to defend the humans who both hate and fear them.

As in the first two movies, the students at Professor Charles Xavier's (Patrick Stewart) School for Gifted Kids walk a fine line. They're being trained to use their various powers for good, even though those same powers are a big pain in the butt sometimes. Then again, being able to set yourself on fire, lift cars telepathically, read peoples' minds, walk through walls, and turn ponds into skating rinks certainly comes in handy.

But the government doesn't see it that way. They see mutants as a threat to humanity, especially since their former teammate, Dr. Jean Grey, a.k.a. Dark Phoenix (Famke Janssen) offered up an ominous threat [SPOILER AHEAD] in the final minutes of the second movie, X2. Now she's come back to life, and her powers are out of control.

Some of the mutants would just as soon give up their powers – like Rogue (Anna Paquin), who longs for the touch of her boyfriend, but knows that such an act would kill him. Then there's Wolverine (Hugh Jackman), who doesn't think for a minute that giving up his titanium-bladed hands or self-healing body would make a bit of difference in the world. And weather-changing Storm (Halle Berry), who believes that all mutants should embrace their powers, rather than try and change them.

Meanwhile, another band of mutants is determined to keep the "cure" from happening. Led by Xavier's arch enemy Magneto (Ian McKellen), they're a rag-tag bunch of oddities straight out of "Road Warrior": Multiple Man (Eric Dane) can make copies of himself; Calisto (Dania Ramirez) is a speedy mutant with an internal GPS device; Juggernaut (Vinnie Jones) is a hulking brute; and the ever-popular Mystique (Rebecca Romijn) and her naked blue body (with well-placed fish-gill-type things) will delight male theater-goers. I don't know about the naked part, but I love that she's tougher than all the other mutants put together.

When Xavier and Magneto clash, the inevitable battle stirs things up good, providing plenty of ops for all the X-Men to show their stuff. Subplots revolve around a mutant-friendly President (Josef Sommer) and Dr. Hank "The Beast" McCoy (Kelsey Grammer), his Secretary of Mutant Affairs (which is funny to both say and write).

THE WRAP-UP: This movie is entertaining enough, but has more of a comic-book feel than the first two movies, which were grittier and more realistic (well, as realistic as a sci-fi/fantasy movie can be). I highly doubt this movie signals an end to the X-Men franchise, so I'll be curious to see what they come up with next. For a glimpse into the future, be sure and stay through the end of the credits. Could we be looking at another 50-year franchise a la Star Trek?! We can only hope.

WHAT PARENTS NEED TO KNOW: There's a LOT of violence and weaponry in this movie. Although the story delves into issues of life, love and loss, there's not a whole lotta dialogue going on. Instead, people and mutants are put through every sort of physical discomfort, including being frozen, fried, punched, thrown, drugged, crushed, sliced and diced. Cars, houses, even the Golden Gate Bridge are tossed about willy-nilly, making for some great special effects, but also lots of explosions and turmoil. There are also a couple of sexual scenes – one where the resurrected Phoenix kisses Cyclops (James Marsden) in a rather aggressive way, and another where she seduces Wolverine in a similar way (though both are fully clothed). Also, at one point, a naked woman is shown with strategically placed arms and legs. Language is fairly tame, though there are a few minor profanities and one crude reference to male anatomy.

BRINGING THE KIDS:

PRESCHOOLERS (ages 2-5): This movie is too intense for little ones. For some tot-sized superheroes, check out the four loveable children known as Little Einsteins. Their latest DVD, Team Up For Adventure, takes the pint-sized superheroes on a whirlwind voyage around the globe, blending animation, live-action footage, famous works of art, and classical music.

GRADE-SCHOOLERS (ages 6 - 10): Although this movie is a comic-book geek's dream, the action violence, sexual content, and language are too intense for kids younger than 13. Some cleaner superhero options include Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker (animated), The Mask of Zorro, The Rocketeer, The Shadow, Spiderman, and Superman (the original with Christopher Reeve). These movies have few sexual innuendoes, and more action than violence. 

SCORE: 3 out of 4 Reels

Jane's Reel Rating System:
One Reel: Pathetic. Even The Force can’t save it.
Two Reels: Tolerable. Coulda been a contender.
Three Reels: Thought-provoking. Something to talk about.
Four Reels: Wow! The stuff dreams are made of.

E-chat with me at jane@reellifewithjane.com - I LOVE to talk about movies!

Read my other reviews here.