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The Janies, Janie Awards, Oscars
The Janie Awards, aka The Janies!
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Oscars Schmoscars! It’s time for our 2nd Annual Janie Awards, aka The Janies!

That’s right. The 88th Academy Awards, aka The Oscars, airs live on ABC from the Dolby Theatre at the Hollywood & Highland Center on Sunday, Feb. 28, at 7 p.m. ET/4 p.m. PT. That’s this Sunday, people!

Sure, we’re plenty excited about the Oscars ceremony. But as with last year, we feel that the Academy’s categories are a bit limited.

So, here we go with the 2nd Annual Janie Awards, a.k.a. The Janies! Thanks to my compadre Melanie Votaw for brainstorming categories! Read all Melanie’s stories here.

THE JANIE AWARDS – SWEET GIFT BAG OF SWAG (Way Better Than the Oscars)

The Janies, Janie Awards, Oscars
The Janie Awards, aka The Janies!

We should add that all attendees receive a sweet gift bag with assorted #TheJanies swag, including:

  • an electric blanket
  • a flame-shooting guitar
  • a science book with accompanying 8-track of disco music
  • boxing gloves
  • a sparkly blue ballgown
  • a politically-incorrect fur coat
  • your very own pet bear
  • and so much more!

THE JANIES!

And now, without further adieu, “THE JANIES” go to…

Best Movie That Ticked Everyone Off – “Spotlight”

Best Movie for Shareholders of Kleenex: “Room”

Best Facial Hair: Leonardo Dicaprio in “The Revenant” (Honorable Mention: Bryan Cranston in “Trumbo”)

Best Movie that Made a Hot Movie Star Look Gross: “The Revenant”

Best Actress with Hardest Name to Pronounce: Saoirse Ronan (How DO you pronounce that? Leave comments below.)

Best Portrayal of a Famous Person That Made Said Famous Person Sexier Than He Really Was: Michael Fassbender in “Steve Jobs”

The “It’s About Time Oscar Paid Attention To You” Award: Rachel McAdams in “Spotlight”

Most Misleading Movie Poster Award: “Room”

Best Use of a Flaming Guitar on a Fast-Moving Vehicle – “Mad Max: Fury Road”

Best Movie in Need of an Electric Blanket – “The Revenant”

Best Meme-Worthy Movie Quote – “I’m gonna have to science the sh– out of this.” – Matt Damon, The Martian

Actor Most Likely To Get Bad Karma – Anyone Who Wins “Best Actor” Besides Leonardo DiCaprio

Best Fur-Coated Actress Who Made Us Tense for 118 Minutes – Cate Blanchett in “Carol”

Best Character in Need of a Freakin’ Break – Joy, as played by Jennifer Lawrence in “Joy”

Best Actor Who Looks Beautiful in a Dress – Eddie Redmayne in “The Danish Girl”

Best Understanding Wife in a Movie – Alicia Vikander in “The Danish Girl”

Best Actor Who’s Played the Same Character for a Thousand Years – Sylvester Stallone as Rocky Balboa in “Creed”

Best Director Most in Need of a Hug – Quentin Tarantino, “The Hateful Eight”

Best Dress We Want to Play Dress-Up In – The Blue Ball Gown in “Cinderella”

Best Portrayal of the Bravest Kid to Grow Up in a Small Space – Jacob Tremblay in “Room”

Best Title in Need of an Edit – “The 100-Year-Old Man Who Climbed Out the Window and Disappeared”

Scariest Use of the Color Red in a Movie – “Fifty Shades of Grey”

Best Movie We Most Want to Know What Happens After It Ends – “Ex Machina”

Scariest Use of a Bear with Sexual Overtones – “The Revenant”

Best Voice Casting in an Animated Movie – Phyllis Smith as Sadness in “Inside Out”

Bravest Immigrant in a Movie – Saoirse Ronan in “Brooklyn”

Best Movie to Get People Back to the Movies – “Star Wars: The Force Awakens”

Best Movie to Make You Want to Move to a Female Commune – “Mad Max: Fury Road”

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7 COMMENTS

  1. These are brilliant – thanks for the laugh. Although I haven’t seen all the movies, I can’t agree more with Best Actor Who Looks Beautiful in a Dress & Best Character in Need of a Freakin’ Break –– ha!
    Can I come to YOUR Oscar party??

  2. 1. Saoirse = Sear-See (like searing meet)
    2. The “It’s About Time Oscar Paid Attention To You” Award should have gone to Jennifer Jason Leigh
    3. Of course, I have to pick on the one category I disagree with in an otherwise perfect list. Nicely done, Jane.

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